What not to say to someone with cancer (and the one sentence that helps)

When I was diagnosed, people loved me badly. Not on purpose. They didn't know what to say to someone with cancer, so they said what everyone says.

If someone you love was just diagnosed and you're reading this, you're already doing better than most.

What to skip

"You're so strong." Nobody is strong enough for this. She just doesn't have a choice.

"You're lucky, it could be worse." Let her decide what she feels lucky about.

"Just stay positive." It sounds kind, until you're the one in the chemo chair.

"Let me know if you need anything." It's meant well, and it never becomes anything. She won't call.

The one sentence that helps

"I don't know what to say, and I'm not going anywhere."

That's enough. Then offer something specific: a day, a time, a job. Not "anything". One thing.

What actually helped me

My partner Ken was at every single chemo session. His job wasn't to entertain me. It was to sit there, notice what I needed, and remember what the nurse said.

The full list of jobs that help, and the gifts I was genuinely grateful for, are in the "For the people around her" section of my free toolkit. Send it to whoever needs it.